mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
