I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
