i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
