i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize