Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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