I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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