i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
