I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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