K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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