ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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