Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
