the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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