Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
