The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Randomize
