My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
