We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
