I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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