Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
