these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
