Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
