Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
