News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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