I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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