What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
