Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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