i think my mom watched the whole time
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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