Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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