I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
