And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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