How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
