She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
