So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
