I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
