did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
