I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
