I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
