I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
