a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
