Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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