Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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