no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
