im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
