party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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