Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
