I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
