in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
