My cat gives me a boner
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
vagina is talking i cant
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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