I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
