Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I AM VODKA MAN
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
