I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
