I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
