my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
