i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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