Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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